future still unsure.

i was thinking this morning in my bathroom, while getting dressed, about how my grandma basically coddled my mom and to the reason of that. all i can think of is because she has a sense of responsibility for my mom's nuchal chord diagnosis. my grandma told me that when my mom was born, it was BEFORE the days of ultrasound- so the doctors were unaware that the umbilical chord was around my mom's neck when she was born. my grandma seemed to be an insecure, nervous woman- so i'm almost positive that had to do with her taking responsibility for it. she had planned for my mom's life to be made out as easy as possible for her (which is probably why my grandparents housed my mom in the apartment they used to own before it was taken away because of eminent domain after my grandpa died). my grandma had planned for my mom to live on the land my grandparents owned and had a house on before it burned but they had another house moved onto the land. she couldn't put the land/house in my mom's name because the government would have taken it because my mom was on social security. so my grandma left it in my brother's name. i'm sure my grandma intended on my brother keeping my mom on the land that her and my grandpa used to own but my brother didn't really think that was a good idea and he didn't want the responsibility of maintaining the land (i'm guessing because my brother and i think on the same wavelengths). he gave my mom the money that he got from selling my grandparents' house and land. what did my mom do? spent it frivolously of course! i know that because my cousin joe told me about how my mom had bought a trailer and a vehicle with the money- i'm sure her stupid ass boyfriend (at the time.. i don't really know/care if they're together now but i kinda doubt it because my sister also called me a while ago telling me how she caught my mom's boyfriend looking at child porn on the computer that my mom inherited from my grandma) convinced her to do so- and because thinking for herself is obviously too difficult for her- she went along with his idea on how to spend the money. so- i'm not the only one who makes shitty judgment and decisions!.. i got that trait from my grandma who was overconfident and just assumed things would go the way she wanted them.. (i remember her telling me after my car accident and when we were speaking to the lawyers who basically ended up robbing me.. that i would be "SO RICH!" and i'd never have to worry about money or working again!- i'm not sure i really enjoy being unemployed though- it gives me too much time to get in trouble and think negatively- my grandma was naive though and just assumed if i didn't work- i'd be careless and pampered.. that couldn't be FURTHER from the TRUTH). however.. with all this said- my mom can't come to me for ANYTHING. I am HER child.. I am SUPPOSED to be "depending" on HER.. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. i don't give a fuck if she assumes i'll be just like my grandma because we have the same attitude, to her because you know what?! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REGRETS. I'M NOT THE ONE WHO MADE MY MOM DISABLED. SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT GOD JUST DECIDED TO MAKE HER DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE AND DEAL WITH IT. DON'T BE A BITCH. NOT drag everyone close to her DOWN with her. time to grow up and stop assuming everyone will coddle you and stay on your fucking level. YOU SHOULD BE OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND THIS SHIT. most, if not ALL, of my friends from the town i grew up in have chosen not to talk to me.. probably because they don't know what's appropriate to say and have never had to deal with this kind of abuse personally before.. SO THANKS! YOU MANAGED TO RUIN MY LIFE ONCE AGAIN! which is also a BIG reason why i've always wanted to move far away from here. i even considered mexico, considering that IS where i was born but i'm still waiting for USCIS to review my case and the travel pca who just went with me to boston said that she thinks they'll probably let me go to mexico but she was unsure if the united states would let me come back for whatever reason. i'm at the step where they received my case and now they're reviewing it. however- that one guy who got deported and thrown into a VENUEZELAN prison ALSO was just waiting for USCIS to review his file when they arrested him.. so we'll see! this administration is such a joke- they'll probably arrest me and throw me in a prison. however- KILMAR ABREGO GARCIA, who they arrested and threw into a venezuelan prisoncamp sued the fuck outta the grump administration because they had NO grounds for arresting him and were just trying to make it look like the administration ACTUALLY does things for this country by deporting him (who i'm sure they made out to seem like a total criminal to naive white people). i'm pretty sure elon muskrat thrives on this shit because he loves conflict like the rest of the grump administration- so i'm not sure how long i'll remain out of a prison camp even though i AM a dual citizen (my mom is an AMERICAN CITIZEN- born and raised- and i haven't been to mexico since i was born.. so i don't know ANYONE there). i'm gonna go do the exercises i was given and watch fresh prince now.